Avoiding/Dealing with Adultery

ADULTERY:         Voluntary sexual relationship between a married individual and someone other than their spouse. Adultery has always been associated with low morals, and most recognised religions in the world detest its very existence. 

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In the bible, the seventh of God’s commandment says “thou shall not commit adultery.” The United States military amongst many others in the world clearly rejects this conduct and feels it reflects adversely on the service record of the military personnel.

But surprisingly, despite efforts made to stop this sad act, adultery seems to be on the increase and in turn divorce; even here in Africa. 

The idea of adultery and other sexual infidelity has become so rapid in our today’s world that it now sends certain conclusions for the act. Most people now believe the following;

·         Adultery is all about sexual satisfaction

·         Adultery is born out of the natural character of an individual

·         Adultery is harmless when the game is played right

·         Adultery has to always end in divorce

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People now see the act especially from the man’s perceptive as a way of life, giving birth to ideas like “man is polygamous by nature.” As much as all the above may seem true, I strongly disagree and feel adultery is a born out of choice, circumstances and orientation.

·         Adultery is not always about sexual satisfaction but can be a bad habit born out of one’s background orientation or influence from the wrong crowd.

·         Adultery can be harmful no matter how careful one may be especially for women who are more emotional. Divided attention has a way of showing up.

·         Adultery is not a fixed character trait of any individual, the notion “All men are polygamous by nature” is a false one as this will imply that men who stick to one woman are abnormal and sick since the natural state is the normal.

·         Adultery must not always end in divorce as lots of couples have worked their way out of the experience and still live happily.

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Avoidance:

This should start even before the marriage as choice of spouse goes a long way to determining the after-math of the wedding. Find a partner that completes you.

A commendable book by Dr. Willard Harvey titled “His needs, her needs: Building an affair prove marriage” is one that can really help couples understand the primary causes of adultery and how to avoid it. An extract will suggest that the major cause of adultery is the failure of men and women to meet each other’s needs; and this in most cases is due to ignorance.

This immediate poses a question, what e our needs in a marriage/courtship? With further extracts, am going to separately outline and explain them. A man and a woman both desire five basic needs in a relationship like marriage 

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A Woman’s Needs:

Affection:           Every woman desires a man that doesn’t just say I love you, but shows it. Words are important, but action they say speaks louder than words. First, a wife needs to be told sweet comforting things by her husband; things that gives her pride and a sense of security/belonging. Words like I will always take care of you, I love you, you are beautiful, you did good, your food was delicious etc. going on to show the emotions by even the smallest of things like sharing a hug, and I mean a good deep hug, kissing her often and long, showing love in public, giving her cards, flowers and gifts, calling her from the office just to check on her, helping her on domestics, holding her hands in public, opening the car/room door for her etc. these things deepens a  woman’s trust, confident and love for their husband.

Conversation:   This is like the past, present and future of any relationship, men must be able to communicate with their wives. As the marriage grows old, a lot of things may get tiresome and old but good communication has a way of keeping the spark alive. If you don’t have thus, try hard to build it.

Honesty & Openness:   Nothing kills a relationship faster than dishonesty, it kills the faith and believes the woman has for her husband and makes her feel that all the man has ever told her are lies. In other to keep her sense of security, a wife needs to trust her husband completely. Contrary to what a lot of people believe,             trust not love is the solid foundation on which a wife builds a secured relationship, and when this is lacking instead of growing towards him, she grow away from him. Little things like giving her the password for his personal computer and phones, allowing her pick your calls and check on you freely helps show his honesty and openness.

Financial Commitment:    Money isn’t always everything, but it is a long way ahead of whatever follows it. A woman feels the natural need to be supported and cared for by her man, even if she earns well. She needs enough money to live comfortably, now am not necessarily talking about millions, but provisions.

Family commitment:    This is quite simple and direct. A wife needs her husband to be the man. A good husband and a responsible father, she expects him to live up to the moral standards of the head of her home.

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A Man’s Need

Sexual Satisfaction:   Most women never understands a man’s deep need for sex, the same way most men do not see the need for showing affections; these are natural phenomena’s. It is also worthy to note that one encourages the other, when affections are given, sexual fulfilment follows easily. Couples must not feel shy to talk about their sex life and sexual desires as it helps to create the adventure with-in the marriage.

Recreational Companionship:   A man naturally needs his wife to be his friend and playmate, it helps when a wife is interested in the same things as her husband so they can enjoy recreational activities together. If the man likes clubbing, dancing, football, movies, mild drinking etc it may be nice to accompany him to such places on occasions, try not to abandon him to his own world alone. Always try to keep the relationship young.

Domestic Support:   men need peace and quiet, they want to come back to a happy and relaxing home, a man’s worst nightmare is a nagging wife. Men dream of living their marriage like a movie, a sexy wife welcomes them home with hugs and kisses, taking their jacket, helping them with their shoes, a warm dinner waiting, loving kids to say goodnight to and you just think it. Nothing gives a man more pride other than when their friend their wife and home.

Attractive Spouse:   Now this is very important, I once met a man who complained that his wife has changed terribly since after their wedding. When asked for details he stated. “She is now growing fatter because she gives little time to her care, she no longer puts on trouser which she use to do because she feels she is now married, she now dresses dull all the time etc” now as much as some of his complains may sound funny and challengeable, it does hold water. Why stop the things that attracted the man and make him happy because you now have him in marriage, by so doing you give room for the singles to shop. Dr. Harvey states that “in a sexual relationship, most men find it nearly impossible to appreciate a woman for her inner qualities alone-there must be more.” A man needs to always be attracted to his wife.

Admiration:       A man needs his wife to be proud of him and be able to express it. Tell your man how you feel about him; tell him how caring, supportive and wonderful he is. Such things inspire him to achieve and do more in other to make his wife happy.

A relationship with the above needs met is almost impossible to experience adultery.

Dealing with Adultery:

Prevention is always said to be better than cure, but if the case is one for curative measures, all hope is not lost. First, let me assure you that you are not alone; sadly Infidelity has become a part of our society and contrary to what a lot of people believe, women commit adultery almost as much as men, well almost. So I am going to refer to the individual cheated on as the offended and the other, the offender. (They can be either male or female)

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Emotions	Offended	Offender
Anger	even against the known or unknown partner of the offender	With whoever exposed them or even with the spouse, feeling it was their fault.
Despair	feeling that life is over,	Possible thoughts of suicide
Jealousy	that someone else was picked over him/her
Fear	that he/she has lost	How will my spouse react
Regret	that the marriage/relationship ever started in the first place,	What Have I done
Guilt	that he/she drove the partner to the action,	Like what have I done
Relief	like I know it	Now it’s over, I no longer have to hide
Revenge	like they must pay for this	I can’t go down alone
Shame	what will family and friends say	What will people say

Now in most cases, the offended is seen as the victim and their reaction depends a lot on their re-orientation and temperamental background. This first thing that should be understood is that divorce should be the very last resort and not the first, especially when there are children involved. If the offender is not sorry about his/her action and continues, it makes it more difficult to stay and build the marriage but not impossible. If the offender stays in the marriage and tries to change things for the better, this brings hope. 

In both cases both parties have to look to God for support and guidance, in other to make things work. You have to consider the beginning of the relationship and try to make things work out better. Seek professional help if possible and try to talk things over. The offended forgiving the offender is usually the biggest task, but with God and a strong will to make things work you can always come back heads held high.